I’ve been feeling blue lately, for no apparent reason.
Steve’s work Christmas party was Saturday night and after dropping the girls off at my parents’ for the night, I came home and started getting ready. Nothing fit right, my hair wasn’t doing what I wanted and the only thing that seemed to be working was the new lipstick I had bought.
I put on some makeup and decided on a dress with pearl earrings. I slipped on my heels and away we went. I don’t know any of his co-workers so I figured it would be a pretty boring night. I was really nervous though, much more apprehensive about meeting new people than I usually am (I’m actually not shy), and feeling very vulnerable and self-conscious.
When we got there, the hall was freezing, so I had a glass of spiked punch to warm me up. Then we sat at a table with other couples, and I realized I had actually met a few people who were there. The dinner was good, the dj was decent and after a couple more glasses of punch, I relaxed and stpped fiddling with my earrings and waistline.
The dance started after dinner and young, drunk (hot) co-worker of Steve’s pulled me onto the dance floor. I felt self-conscious and silly dancing with this 24-year-old boy. I hurried back to Steve’s side when the song was over.
There is a certain kind of woman who really intimidates me. I can’t explain it, but only know her when I see the judgement behind her heavily lined eyes. They were all there, staring at me, judging me, hating me. And at one point, I realized that the woman I see behind those eyes is someone I put there. Someone who exists and preys on my 17 year old self. I don’t know those women, I can’t put on them what I think they may be based on my own insecurities. So every time that I found myself feeling nervous, I made a conscious effort to stop. Because that’s not me, that’s really not who I am. I am smart and nice and pleasant to be around. I can make small talk, there’s no need for me to allow myself to feel small because I’m afraid of how others may see me.
So I had another glass of wine and I went back onto the dance floor and eventually Steve came out, too. We danced together (shamefully!! the first time since our wedding!!) and I danced with other girls and some of his co-workers and talked to the women he works with and talked to some wives of his co-workers and danced some more.
We got a drive home with neighbours, laid in bed at 1:30 and talked about the night. The next morning we didn’t wake until 8:30, had some breakfast and watched a movie on the couch.
Eventually, we met my parents on the highway, took the girls and got our Christmas tree, had a healthy filling supper, bathed them nd put them to bed and both quietly studied.
I can’t remember the last time Steve and I spent a weekend like that. Possibly our Honeymoon, but definitely not since Alena was conceived.
Every little blue feeling I had last week is gone, all the stress all the fatigue, I laughed and danced it away. It was a carefree night and a relaxing day the likes of which I haven’t had in much too long.
It gets so easy to feel weighed down by the responsibilities of parenting and the house, the laundry, exams, school work, sometimes I forgot to let go, to relax. I’m blessed to be able to look at my husband and still have lustful thoughts, I’m happy that we’re still strong despite the stress in our lives, and I am grateful to have a good pair of heels to dance in all night long. And I’m definitely, definitely not waiting another two and a half years to dance with him again.