I thought I was pregnant this week. I mean, really believed it. After some moments of panic, I got… excited.
Oh it was silly. But after barely spotting last month and sore breasts and some paranoia, I was convinced.
So yesterday I tested, and I’m not. And I was… disappointed.
Steve has always been very sure of only wanting two children. And I haven’t. Simple as that. It’s been a long time coming, because I had no desire for another child until Alena was about 18 months, but then the clock started ticking again.
So we had The Talk yesterday. He rashly said, “Well if we’re going to do it, I want to do it now, not have a surprise when I’m 36.” And then we went to a birthday party and my mind was buzzing with possibility all afternoon.
I long ago decided that I would not have a career that took me away from the girls more than a few days of the week. And we’ve been talking about Disney World and a boarding trip to Blackhome and I’ve been able to board this year for the first time in five years and we have a babysitter and oh man losing 40 pounds again and there is a list as long as my arm on the “Con” side of the argument and one little point on the “Pro” side. Just because. There is no logic, there is no rationale, it is purely emotional. From the heart.
I thought long and hard yesterday about what I want from my life. I thought about the things I want for my family and for myself. My dreams. My life. And maybe some think it’s selfish to focus mostly on what’s best for me, instead of what’s best for our family as a whole, but ultimately, I’m the one who will make the (physical, emotional, career) sacrifices, so I need to be 100% sure this would be right.
(You’re on the edge of your seat, aren’t you?)
(And I’d be lying if I didn’t say: oh, a little boy would be so very nice.)
And so, I just, I don’t think it’s right. I don’t know if I could achieve the balance I need in my life with a third child. Life is wonderful now, and full but not overwhelming. And I like that. I need to be able to run, I want to go away next winter. There would be no coaching the high school running team, no coaching a running clinic. It would be another two years of fatigue and exhaustion and while we both agreed that there would be no lack of love of joy that came with another child, for our life, our family, two is enough.
I can’t say it doesn’t make me a little… sad? But my focus now is in the present, enjoying every day with these amazing kids I have. This summer while they run in the yard, I’ll have time to weed the garden, grow some vegetables. This summer we’ll get Leila a two-wheeler and Alena will get on the trike and I’ll be able to get on my own bike. And next winter, maybe we will go to Disney World, or maybe Steve and I will go away on our own.
We’re turning a corner, as a family. We don’t have infants anymore, and as much as I’ll always miss those milky-nights and fluffy heads and sweet, sweet breath just a little bit, now I have two kids who run and squeal and play with each other and talk to each other. I have two girls who are the very best of friends.
Oh my, I’m blessed, indeed.