I’ve been training fairly intensely for this triathlon (nine days to go) for the past month, a half marathon before that and for the first time in a long time, I’m eating well. I mean, really well. Maybe it’s not even the food that’s so different, but the way I look at it. Long distance running usually sends me face-first into a vat if ice cream because why wouldn’t you eat a big bowl when you burned 2000 calories during that mammoth run today? This time around, I didn’t let myself do that, not because of the calories, but because I realized that if I want my body to perform at an optimal level, if I want my body to respond positively to being pushed hard for a long time, I need to fuel it properly. I’m seeing changes in my body that I like. I rubbed my shoulder the other day and felt bona fide real muscle under my fingers. I pulled on shorts and a snug fitting tank top yesterday morning and realized that I didn’t feel the need to tug at my shirt again and again. My arms just might be getting a little definition. I went for a swim in my parents pool and didn’t feel the need to immediately throw a shirt on over my bikini.

I feel… comfortable in my own skin.

(I feel the need to add that yes, there are days when my skin crawls and I feel frumpy and gross and fat and flawed in every way imaginable, but most of the time, I feel amazing.)

Is it this triathlon? Was is running? Is it being very active? Is it (I think, a little) letting go of old notions about rewards and condolences? Is it the rest of my life, how amazingly wonderful it all is with its breath-taking beauty? Is it all of these things?

All I know is that the recipe I’m mixing right now tastes better than anything I’ve ever eaten.

Everyday, at least once, I look around me and whether i am alone or surrounded by noise, my heart fills and overflows and I smile and whisper Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou.

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