If you were going to record your life into a series of moments, where would you start?
If you wanted to narrow down all of the experiences and moments that brought you to where you are, that shaped your personality to what it is, what would you include?
There’s happiness and laughter and love and pain and sorrow and betrayal and anger and fear mixed up into all of us.
“Don’t get angry,” I told Alena the other day, but immediately wanted to swallow those word back down. Anger is merely an emotion that we all feel, a legitimate emotion with validity. But I also over think parenting at times, perhaps placing too much emphasis on the choices I make, words I say.
I want to be perfect for them, but I can’t be. For the extremely simple reason that I’m not. I want to be strong and brave instead of self-doubting and self-critical. What will they become? Will they hate me for who I am, I wonder to myself.
I’ve become what, at times, I swore I would never be. But I’ve also gained what I’ve always wanted most in my life. Every change I hear of others making makes me question myself. Is this worth it? Is what I’m doing right?
Summer ends quickly, although the days will stay warm for some time to come yet. But it’s over, isn’t it? This blissful past few months. We move forward because we have to, even though part of me would like to remain the mother of these two little girls forever. I hold them close and breathe in their smell and think, “Pause. Just pause here for a moment longer.”
We move on because we have no choice, because the sun rises again and again, day after day. But if I had to record my life in moments, I think this summer that was full of sunny days and naked afternoon play in the wading pool and long sweaty naps and finally reading the pile of books I have been collecting, I think it would make it on the list.