I used to have a dream journal whereI recorded all my dreams. I’d write them down and then leaf through a dream interpretation book to figure out what it all meant. I don’t really believe that dreams symbolize anything anymore, I more believe that they’re just the mind trying to unjumble all it’s confused thoughts.
My fears are often very apparent in my dreams. I once had an extremely disturbing and ominous dream where I was walking through a graveyard and turned to look at a tombstone with my younger brother’s name on it. Perfectly clearly, just his first and last name – no date, no picture. It haunted me for days.
And sometimes they’re extremely dark, filled with blood and death and dread and fear. I’m never sure what to make of those ones. But the ones that bother me the most, always, are the ones about Steve. He’s decided to leave or there’s someone else, or, like last night’s dream, he openly admits that he ha very strong feelings for other people and wants our relationship to be more “open.”
I guess these fears of losing him are normal, though I would think by now they should be lessened. And they are, I don’t dream about him leaving nearly as often as I did say, when Leila was born but before we married.
It’s his charm and his patience. The way he grabs a room’s attention. It’s his eyes and the way he looks at me. It’s the way he touches me and makes me feel desired and sexy. It’s that he’s my best friend, that he loves my children as much as I do. It’s how I feel somehow, for some reason, I’ve found my soul-mate – something I never thought would happen and am at times, not sure I deserve. It’s his patience and his love. I would write him a million lines detailing what exactly I love about him. But I am a woman of words, and so this comes naturally to me.
It’s not specifically one thing or another about you that I love so much, like your kindness, but it’s what we are together, he told me a few months ago.
I probe him, Tell me why you love me, in my own way of asking him to write me a million lines about our love. But that’s not him.
I often feel… different than other people. I feel like I see the world differently than most, I see a depth and profoundness that exists. It’s beautiful and magical and scary and dark. Sometimes it causes anger and sometimes it causes a deep appreciation of the blessings in my life. It’s why I’m not alright with a mediocre life, it’s why this restlessness washes over me when things are quiet for too long. It’s why I don’t have a lot of close friends and it’s why I didn’t have a lot of boyfriends – because I don’t connect profoundly with many people. I explained this to Steve on the long drive from his parents house to ours while the kids slept in the backseat. I feel like I see the world differently than most people, I said. Maybe that’s why we’re together, he said.
And I looked at him and smiled and agreed, yes it just might be.
Who needs a million words when five say exactly what you need to hear.