It’s not that I’m sad all of the time, you see. And I’ve thought a lot about deleting that last post. But deleting it is a lot like pretending I never feel that way. And in reality, my pain is as sharp as any happiness that I feel.
Maybe, I tell myself, Maybe it’s helping someone else out there. But that’s not the reason either.
I was angry and hurt and frustrated and self-destructive on Saturday. And God, it sounds so tiresome because grown women with children aren’t supposed to be self-destructive – it only hurts relationships. And feelings. And breaks trust.
Maybe part of it is the knowledge that I can’t fall apart even when I want to – there are too many people who rely on me. And maybe that’s a good thing when I’m on the brink of breaking. Because I don’t want my children to remember a broken mother.
So here I go again, bracing myself against self-doubt and suspicion, trying to break through the unfairly harsh meter against which I measure myself.
I forced myself outside for a run today. Up and down a hill over and over in the cold sunshine. I let the stress and anger and pain release through my breath and sweat and tired legs. I let it go – away. Out. Up. Like the vapor out of my mouth. Back to peace. Back to me.
Through all of this, I tell myself that this is the catalyst for change. That things feel confusing and I feel lost only because I am in unknown territory. But I am pushing through fear and anxiety everyday. I am slowly making it through to the other side. Once there, it will be better. It will be brighter.
This is no bought of ennui or case of the Mean Reds. This is something more that doesn’t require a cute name. This is change brewing within myself, a turning point in my life. A chance to develop a deeper reservoir of strength, to find myself. The person who I truly am.
I’m steering this ship – for the first time, perhaps. And maybe that’s why it feels so difficult. But on I go through storms and rough waves, sometimes with other ships beside me, sometimes with no one in sight. There is no choice but to survive, true, but I know deep down that I will survive and then I will thrive. Because I can. Because I need to. For my relationship. For my kids. For me.
Because I am better than this, I really am.