Should vs. Is

“When you’re in a slump you’re not in for much fun.
Unslumping yourself is not easily done.”

It’s hard to get yourself out of a rut. It’s hard to change momentum. When you’re lost, it’s hard to believe that you’ll be able to find your way. I’m not sure why our minds, incredibly powerful things that they are, do that to us. I’m not sure why it’s easier to be negative than positive and I’m not sure why it’s easier to imagine standing still than moving.

I’m proud of myself that I have been able to move. To gain momentum even when I was standing still, looking around, lost, scared and sad. I’m proud of myself that I could put away my pride and realize that I couldn’t deal with this on my own anymore. I’m proud of myself that I’ve been feeling better about myself, not in a mood fluctuation sort-of way, but in the way I think about my achievements and perceive myself. I’m starting to believe in myself, and while it is a slow and, at times, painful process, it’s a wonderful feeling.

I had an interview on Tuesday, and I’m not a self-promoter. I’m uncomfortable telling people about the great things I’ve done and the great aspects of my personality. But I consciously put that self-doubt out of my head and told the three women interviewing me exactly what I could bring to the position and the company. I told them why they want me and why I believe that I’m invaluable. It was a great interview and I do actually believe that I am one of the top candidates for the position. I think this would be the perfect job (stepping stone) for me.

Life plays out in all these different ways, and while I’m not sure exactly what my thoughts are on fate, I do believe that things happen in your life at a time when you’re ready to accept them. This position holds so much potential for me, for the future me, to help take me to where I want to be. Which thanks to this rough journey, I’m starting to see. I’m able to start to let go of what I thought I “should” want or what everyone else seemed to want me to do and to focus on what it is that will really make me happy.

Balancing my family has obviously been a huge factor in every decision I make, but I believe now that I will be able to balance work/family no matter what I end up doing, as long as I’m doing something that I love, something that matters to me.

I don’t have an answer to the question of what I want to be when I grow up. Even though I’m almost 30, even though I “should”. And I’m ok with that. No one can answer that question, because we are in a constant state of evolving and “growing up”.

I put the worst of the pressure on myself, trying to force myself into a box with one definition glued on its side. No wonder I was panicked at the thought of turning 30. Because I was holding myself down in a place I didn’t want to be and for whatever reason, I had convinced myself that was where I needed to stay and should want to be.

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