Steve is intense. He is aggressive and assertive and unabashedly proud of himself. He is driven to do well at everything he does, and this pushes him to surpass expectations that his superiors and peers set for him at work. His workplace is fast-paced and at times, intense. He runs and exercises and draws a lot of his strength from being able to do things other people can’t. He runs through the woods and up rocky hills because it makes him feel strong and alive. He bottles that strength and pushes into the other aspects of his life. He has an amazing ability to talk to people in a way that they can hear.
I am the opposite of that.
He works with people like him. People who are driven by their job title and demands. And sometimes I wonder if things would be better if I was more like that. He told me that life requires balance, and we balance each other. It’s not that I think I should be those things, I told him, It’s that I wonder if there are things that you see in other people that you wish I had.
He told me that he doesn’t want the stressful life of deciding who stays home with the kids, who misses work. He told me that I have the more important job because I’m the one with the kids all day. And it’s true, I know it’s all true. But sometimes I have a hard time believing it.
If love is a choice, if marriage is a constant choice to be committed to the person you love then I happily make that choice everyday. I guess where I falter is in accepting Steve’s choice as valid. When there are so many other people out there. When I forget about the importance of balance and focus more on the aspect of “the same.”
It’s not like I haven’t been with other people, he reminds me, I dated a lot of different girls. You’re the one I chose because you’re the one that brings balance to my life. You take care of the kids and the house for me, but you’re smart enough for us to talk about things. It was your brain that I really fell in love with, you know.
Why is it so hard to remember? There are moments that I can feel myself shining, feel myself strong and almost believe in myself. I just don’t know how to hold onto that feeling.
Why is it so hard to accept that I am wonderful, beautiful, worthy, giving, loving, and special? It feels like this has been going on for so very long now. When am I going to start believing all the good things that other people seem to see so easily?