I met with an advisor to make sure I was almost finished my program. Four classes left, I thought. Nope. Eight.
She wrote them on a sticky pad and looked at me with apathetic eyes and didn’t care and wished me out of her office loud enough for me to hear. And I filled with anger and dissapointment and discouragement and thought about that stupid expression on her face and realized I was about to cry or to throw that fucking sticky note back in her face so I quickly said Thank you goodbye and left.
I sat on the step of that big brick building and my eyes filled with hot tears because what the hell am I doing? Is this where I should be? In school with 19 year olds? I’m 30 damn years old. I started this program when what I thought I wanted was something much different than what I actually want now. I don’t know what I want – well, I kind of do.
It was as if I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, because four more months! Maybe eight at the longest but anyone can do anything for eight months. And then with one stupid blue sticky note, the door at the end of the tunnel slammed shut and I was re-routed through a place where no one gave a shit that wouldn’t exit for at least another twelve months.
I called Steve and we talked and he made me feel better, as always. And he reminded me of the job I saw an ad for that I had daydreamed about because it would be the perfect job for me. He told me to go for my run and clear my head.
So I did. I ran for two hours, 18k. And I thought and fumed and felt sorry for myself, and once all of that was out of the way, I thought about what I really want from all this. As much as this program has become a grunt, I don’t want to quit. But at the same time, I’m tired of feeling in between. I’m tired of feeling like I’m waiting for this part to be over so I can get started on the fun stuff.
Last night I wrote a cover letter and attached it to my resume and applied for a job that’s 20 hours a week.
Don’t get your hopes up, you don’t know who else is out there. Steve cautioned me.
Too late, I said, grinning, You know me, my heart’s already set on it.
And it is – but if it doesn’t happen it’s because it’s not supposed to, and that’s alright.
The thing is, it’s like I’m always poking my nose down these different alleys – and have been my whole life. Is this the place? This one looks good? Oh, I could stay here for a while. They never fit though, and so I don’t venture down, or if I do, I don’t stay for long. And that used to make me feel lost, but now I feel like it’s all just part of the path.
I have faith in the path.