I sit in class and listen to educated individuals talk about things I agree with or disagree with or find completely dull or intensely interesting and I daydream and wonder.
It seems that as I get to know myself better – as I grow more confident in, well, me I start to see that it doesn’t matter if it’s American or Canadian lit, or Political Science or Human Resources, that what intrigues me is people. It’s so simple, and I figuratively donked myself on the forehead yesterday in class when it dawned on me: because of course I’m interested in people. The how’s and why’s and what makes us feel that way’s. I always have been. It’s just taken me until now to realize that I didn’t have to name it “Political Science” or “Can Lit” or “Human Resources Department” to properly excel in something.
Is that in then? Is what I excel in “People”? (yes?) (I don’t know?)
And so in taking all of these things I’ve learned and realizing that although I’m tired of being in school, that doesn’t negate the benefit of this path I’ve been on these past three years, and knowing now, that I don’t have to title myself or my interests or hide them under the banner of a university logo.
I see people, watch friends fall in love, marry, have children, divorce, and I can see in their eyes (too often) this sadness, this feeling of inadequacy. (I think I can see it because I looked straight at it in the mirror for a long time.)
There was dinner with a friend last month, who’s bigger and heavier than she used to be and she protested and made excuses about why she doesn’t exercise and how she’s going to start. And I felt like it was almost for my benefit. I’m not sure how to say this without sounding like a Royal Twat, but I’m lean and fit, and that can intimidate people. Quite frankly, I don’t give two farts about the size of my friends’ waists. Exercise, or don’t, or whatever. It matters to me only that they accept themselves. So be 40lbs overweight, the people who matter won’t love you less for that. But just own it, you know? But we can’t. Because we constantly compare ourselves to others (better others). Maybe not constantly, but when we’re confronted by them. Or facing our own self-doubt in he mirror.
And I want to take these people, all these people, and shake them and open their hearts and pour all this love into them because it’s there, it’s all there, all this love that’s just floating around all over the world. If we just take it and embrace it and really learn how to love ourselves: Oh what a world we’d have then.
I’d write them a simple prescription: No negativity. Eat your veggies.
And they’d be amazed at what it would do.
I think all these things about love and acceptance and then I brush my teeth in front of my bathroom mirror at night and (only sometimes) squint my eyes and turn my hips *justso* and exclaim that SEE IT’S THERE! RIGHT THERE! THE CELLULITE ITOLDYOUSO! And then I heave a heavy sigh because what about all that love I felt floating around earlier? Less so than I used to, but the doubt is still there. I’m not better at ignoring it, when it decides to blast in, oh shit, you better be ready – but I’m better at negotiating with it.
Go on now, I tell it. I’m doing the best I can here, and that’s everything that I can give.
But you haven’t… you haven’t… you should… you should… it hisses.
Go on now, I say, firmly, I’m doing the best I can here, and I’m not doing too damn bad at anything.
And it slides away, softly, mumbling about it’s return one day.
It hides in other’s words, too. What are you doing to *do*? they ask?
And I know, the thing is, I already know. I’m just not ready to talk about it yet. So I brush it off and change the subject and get a flutter in my stomach because oh. My dreams. They’re coming true you see.
This is me: Strong. Confident. Overflowing with love for the whole world. Open to the possibility of… possibility.
This is me.
(I didn’t mean to take such a hiatus. I hope I’ll write more frequently now. Thanks for sticking around.)