Every week at my Team in Training GTS (Group Training Session), we have what we call a Mission Moment. Sometimes they are in reference to the cause, sometimes not. This week, I brought in a quote: Running is the perfect metaphor for life, because you get out of it what you put into it. I asked them to contemplate their training while they ran (or walked) today, but through their runs this week. I asked them to ask themselves what they were putting into it, if they were getting out of it what they wanted, and f the answer to either of those questions was no, to figure out what they needed to change.
I also asked them to apply it to their life. Are they where they want to be in their life? What’s missing? What else do they want?
I asked them these things, because as I read that quote last night, I wondered it myself.
There’s a big journey (and that’s not a metaphor, I mean an actual journey) that I’m going to be headed on in April and while I’m not going to talk about it until the tickets are booked (soon, I think), I’ve been training for it. Less running, more hiking with a 30lbs and counting backpack.
There’s this certificate, and the five classes I have left (four next semester and then one in the spring session). There’s the big question: What am I going to do afterwards, and the settling realization that I kind of know and yet The Ultimate Plan is about three to four years away. There’s a Yoga Certification that I’m seriously considering signing up for, and maybe next fall I’ll TA for two afternoons a week and spend the rest of my days at home with the girls (doesn’t that sound lovely?).
So it feels like I’m a lot of “almosts” right now and to be honest, I kind of hate that feeling, in the same way that I am so happy to be almost there. I think about another marathon someday not too far from now (October 2012?) and I want to, but at the same time, I can’ focus on anything other than what’s in front of my face these days.
School is over, and I don’t have another GTS until New Year’s Eve. I came home today and said farewell to the babysitter and sat on the couch playing baby or mommy or some other silly game with my girls and then we watched a cartoon together. My arms around Alena and Leila laying on my feet the way she likes and not one other place I wanted or needed to be in the world. It was bliss, to be honest. And something I’ve been waiting for for a long time.
I cleaned and we made a pie and apple sauce together and I’ve told their daycare they’ll be on vacation for the next two weeks (something I don’t normally do in lieu of protecting my own time), but oh, how I need them close.
Things are different than they used to be. They’re more rushed and tiring and I try very, very hard to make sure our time together over dinner or in the mornings or on our Saturday afternoons isn’t snippy and naggy and negative. Some days I don’t manage that, of course, but this busy schedule has made me realize just how truly important they are.
So what’s missing in my life? More time with my kids, to be honest. More down time, more time quiet days baking together or enjoying the fact that I had time to clean the house. More stories, more cuddles. I know that being away from them makes me a better mom – I truly believe that I’m not the mom my kids deserve when I’m at home with them most of the time. But in the same vein, I have a very visceral need to feel connected with their care, with the state of my house and the food being served.
I’ll spend the next two weeks snuggling and playing and cleaning and baking a little and just like I asked my runners to do, I’ll meditate on how to make those changes.