Who I Am/Who Am I?

I went shopping with my mom yesterday and bought this winter jacket. Navy blue, down filled, kind of stylish, big collar… It looked great in the store but then by the time I wore it out today I felt silly. Puffy and silly.

Am I the only one who struggles with this? Left to my own devices, I’d be a hoodie habitating jeans wearing hiking boot rockin’ 30 year old. Due to pressure from outside sources (society, my mother), I feel like I should wear “nicer” more flattering things. Make up. Push up bras. Puffy jackets with boarder line awkwardly large collars.

Admittedly, this whole jacket thing could have more to do with the fact that I was skin-crawlingly anxious today (helloooooo monthly detested enemy friend who predictably reeks havoc on my self esteem and sense of sanity).

By ten o’clock, when I realized I was on the verge of tears, I quickly pulled on my running gear and bolted out the door. Pause anxiety for three hours. By three o’clock, it had reared it’s ugly head once more and I banged out a short but intense leg workout at the gym before getting the kids.

When I exercise in amounts that could, by some, be defined as obsessive, just to maintain a state of “not ready to scream or cry at any given moment” it does make me feel a little…. desperate. Most weeks fly by without so much as a shiver of skin crawling down my arms, with the coldness in my chest as nothing but a memory. And then for about ten days every month, I’m a cold-chested (not to be confused with cold hearted), tembly handed, skin crawling shell of who I really am. Exercise works, meditation works, but it’s all temporary. And I’m tired of it.

I’ve been off the pill for eight(ish) months and it is so much better than it used to be. The anxiety isn’t as bad or as long lasting. But it’s still there. There are still upsetting dreams about divorce every month. There are still horrible thoughts about myself, my body, my worth, my intelligence. (What am I offering? What do I even matter? I am completely replaceable. I am fat.)

There’s got to be something, some herb or supplement worth trying.

Because I am so, so tired of being this person that is constantly switching between flying high and crashing low.

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