So, as you may have gathered from my last post, I kind of had a shitty week. It was the worst one in a while, to be honest. I had been feeling really positive about my lack of anxiety since I had come off the pill and had even made it through a couple of months without any nightmares. I bit my tongue a lot and so Steve and I didn’t actually end up in a fight, but I struggled with some really dark thoughts.
After a helpful email from a friend, I have a grocery list of supplements (cal/mag and EPO – the female wonder drug I’m starting to realize) and some optimistic hope for next month.
Other than that, I made myself a mammoth to-do list for school for the next three weeks and it made me tired just looking at it (So. Much. Reading.). I’m trying to stay focused on the finish line (June!) and stay positive about the fact that at least now I’m taking classes with 21 year olds instead of 18 year olds who for the most part, want to be there, and the classes are taught by profs who, for the most part, actually enjoy the subject (as opposed to the first/second year courses that get dolled out by the department chair to profs and are perceived as professor detention or something).
Steve is in the process of applying for an Executive MBA, which means that classes are two weekends a month and it’s geared towards professionals with lots of work experience. We went to an info session this week and two grads of the program spoke. While I think it’s something that Steve will really enjoy and thrive while completing (not to mention that it’s basically essential for him to have an MBA to get to where he wants to go, career-wise), I was shocked at how un-me the whole thing was. It was all “A Type Personalities” and executives and basically it’s a program designed for over-achievers. It got me to thinking, because I am totally *not* an A Type personality, about how our society sees people and what we (collectively) value.
To be honest, I’ve never even heard any descriptions for any type of personality other than A, so I don’t know if there’s a B, C, D, etc. I wonder where I fall on that spectrum, though. I took a Myers Briggs test for one of my classes this week, and I came back as an “ESFJ” (which means Extrovert, Sensing, Feeling, Judging). Also labelled as a “Provider” (under the label Guardian). Basically it said that I love to organize events and things, want to help people and make their life easier, have strong ties to family traditions and crave praise. Made sense to me. (I need me some Gold Stars from people I love.) (I should totally make myself a sticker chart.)
I amazes me sometimes, how extremely different Steve and I are. Yes, of course, I think that our core values are the same, but our ambitions, passions, methods are so different, sometimes I wonder how we even get along at all (let alone rarely fight). I commented last night that maybe it would be better if I were an A type Personality, and he scoffed. No it wouldn’t. We need balance. If the world was all A type personalities, what a shitty place it would be. And plus, what I love about you is that you’re you, I don’t want you to be anyone else. Sure I may have been fishing for compliments, but I guess it’s true. We need providers and people who want to organize their kids’ shelves more than joining the masses at 7:30 and 5:30 each day for a slow and steady commute. Although it can be hard for me to remember to state my own value to myself, I guess I should work a little harder at doing it. Usually running and laughing and playing with my kids keeps me feeling happy and grateful, but not always. And when I start to feel blue, it is so much easier to let myself fall down that slide than to stop the inertia and try to climb back up.