There’s this list I have of things I want to do, can’t wait to do once I’m finished school and every time I add something new on, I get more and more antsy about this whole five more months thing because Man! Five months is forever!! Even though it’s not (do you know how fast five months can fly by? Or course you do), maybe what really concerns me is the amount of text book reading I have to do in those next five months.
It can be so hard to focus on the journey. When I started this “journey” I was a mom to two babies and needed to get out of the house a couple of days a week. So I signed up for a certificate and I signed up for daycare and I had no idea that by the end of it I’d be a mom with a kid in school, like for real, and another very lovely but very strong willed pre-schooler. I had no idea I’d be a marathoner, a run coach (a real live run coach! and people listen to me! and I even give them good advice! and I get paid for something I love), with absolutely no intention of going into HR, the very thing I am taking in school.
There have been a lot of near quits along the way. There have been blows to my self-esteem because it is truly draining to be around highly make-uped 20 year olds with very perky breasts because we have nothing in common. It’s been isolating (see previous sentence), because I feel alone on campus. It’s been both very, very good and bad.
My mind wandered for the most part of my classes this morning (as it is right now, I’m actually supposed to be working on a case study) and I thought about running and yoga and the fact that boys wear much brighter clothes to school than they did ten years ago.
I’m at the point again where I wonder if I say too much here. Sometimes I get all anxiety ridden and need to spill my guts so I come here and emotionally vomit and then start to feel better. And then I’m better and I start to wonder who I know in real life that read this and what they could have thought, because you’d never know by looking at me that I get nervous and self-conscious, and I get that scared feeling and want to re-swallow everything I’ve spewed. But what’s the point of saying it if I just take it back? And what’s the point of having this space if I can’t use it for what I want, if it doesn’t make me feel better and more centered about my life in general?
I saw this video the other day and was amazed at the beauty:
and I thought how I would like to be able to move like that, to do crazy handstands and flip my legs over my head. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past three years, it’s that if you want to do something, you need to practice instead of just wishing it would happen. So I’m headed to my very first “real” yoga class tomorrow morning. I set goals for myself that by this time next year I will be halfway through the 200 hour Yoga Teaching certification and will have at the very least (depending on dates) signed up for a Personal Fitness Specialist course here in Halifax.
Of course, making those goals made me wish that I was doing yoga and reading books about muscle groups today instead of thinking about how much my prof reminds me of my sister in law.
I try to focus on the journey, the little things I’ve learned and how much I’ve changed in the past three years. Things have gotten easier, in so many ways, but they only became easier after they became much more difficult. I’m stronger now, so much stronger, in every way. I’m a better mom, a better wife. My house is more organized, I’m calmer, more focused. I believe in myself (with the occasional hiccup) so much more than I ever did, and I see that what I’m doing – not necessarily the school but most other things – are making this world a better place. And honestly, that’s all I’ve ever wanted, was to make the world a better place, I just didn’t know it would be such a bumpy journey to get here.