Lately, it’s been so easy to focus on the difficulties. Lately, I find it harder to get out of bed in the mornings, more of a challenge to pull on my sneakers or step onto my mat. Lately, I’ve been tired. Really, really, down to the core of my being, exhausted. I’ve wondered if I could do this. I’ve wondered why it feels like I am being put through a difficult test at this time in my life. I’ve wondered what coming out of the other side of this is going to look like, because lately, it’s hard to see.
Last Monday, as I sat on the side of the highway in a broken down car, I called Steve. Of course he came to pick me up, took me to the rental car agency, called the dealership and volunteered to deal with them for me. I broke into tears. Not tears in my eyes, but really crying. It was one of the moments when I felt the most overwhelmed, this was just one more thing on top of a plate that is too full. He hugged me. He held my hand. And later that day, when I asked for his help – not help doing laundry or help making lunches or help running the dishwasher – but helping me finally talk about the things that have been leaving my heart so heavy, he opened his arms and folded me into them and said, “Of course, Mama. I’ve always got your back.”
I’m not sure why life has seemed more difficult than usual this fall. But despite everything, despite the stress and the strain and sometimes even the arguments; despite ironing out the technicalities of working together and running a business together, in that moment when I finally let myself open and expressed my vulnerability, he was there. When I was able to express my vulnerability honestly, instead of deflecting to blaming statements (as we are so prone to do), not only did I create the space that allowed Steve to step in and help me (something that is not easy for me to do), but I was also finally able to honour myself. In the moments after my tears ended, I was finally able to hold space with love for me.
In the days that followed, I took the time to have lunch with my dad. I ran an extra hot bath and lingered there. I spoke honestly about my feelings when I was asked. I vocalized what I need.
And while yes, there is still stress, somehow I know in my heart of hearts, that it will all be ok. That eventually, this moment will have passed. No, I don’t know what life will look like on the other side, but I do know that I will be stronger, that I will have developed a deeper understanding of who I am and what it is that I am able to give myself to grow my love of self. That will in turn strengthen my marriage and my relationship with my children. That will increase my confidence as a business owner, mentor and yoga teacher.