I Missed Myself

I’m feeling better, did I mention?

Not 100%, not all of the time, but mostly? I feel like myself again. I feel on top of my life and all of the responsibilities I have. I feel able to juggle school and kids and training and cleaning again. I am able to recognize negative thoughts for what they are and (most of the time) stop them from spiraling into an extreme notion of unworthiness/unloveableness. All in all, very good things. Two months ago I was anxious to the point of barely being able to eat, never able to relax and jumpy at every comment anyone made or anytime anyone looked at me. It was almost constant. Now? There are waves of anxiety, but not every day. Sometimes not even every other day. And they’re not as bad. They bubble and my skin crawls and I jitter and then I talk to myself and mostly they go away.

Apparently, hiding feelings causes anxiety. I’ve been talking about myself and my doubts and my ideas about myself and though there is lots of work still to be done, at least I’m working on it instead of pretending (and convincing no one) that everything is ok. And my, what a big difference it makes to be honest with one’s self.

Because of the absence of all that… strife, let’s say, I have significantly less to write about. Pain breeds great writing, few would debate that. Watching someone bleed is also hard to resist, and well, sorry to disappoint any new readers, but things aren’t so gloomy ’round these parts anymore.

My appetite is also back. I’ve lost almost 10lbs since September, and while that wasn’t all anxiety based (I also upped my running and started lifting weights regularly), I can’t say that the thought of gaining that weight back hasn’t crossed my mind. Although it isn’t unusual for me to fluxuate between 130 and 140lbs, and although I was actually happy with myself before I lost weight, it’s still a silly little thought in my mind. (Although now I feel like I should qualify hat statement with saying that given my level of activity, I could easily maintain my weight as-is without being unhealthy in any way). But a return of appetite plus moving onto the second half of my marathon training tells me that 1) I probably won’t lose any more weight and 2) I actually shouldn’t, because I need more energy to fuel the machine, baby.

So! Boring posts about running and eating and laundry will be coming your way again. And even if it means less views, I must say, I kind of missed myself for all those months.